Had a thought that, “I wish there was a mildly public social media diary where I could spill my thoughts.” And then I remembered my longest friend - tumblr.
My anxiety is so high tonight it feels crushing.
It all started at work. I was listening to some of my coworkers, observing their behaviors towards and around me, and realized that since I got promoted, I don’t think my coworkers like me.
I can only imagine what they must think. That maybe I’m only here because I’m friends with my boss, or that since I’ve been promoted now, I ~must~ be on a power trip.
And I don’t think there’s any respect there.
I heard some stuff one of my coworkers parents said about my boss when they thought she wasn’t around. And that just means that SHE was saying those things TO her parents. Ya know? And if she can do that to our boss, she probably feels the same about me.
Yes I realize that this is completely out of context and might all be in my head. But it was a lot today.
And then there’s the only thing that always hurts me…
The idea of friends.
Yes I have them. But I feel like everyone’s fifth friend. Nobody’s first or second or even third. I always feel alone. I see the way my friends talk to their friends and the way they talk ABOUT their friends and I don’t fit that mold.
And sometimes I’m just like… why the fuck am I even here?!
I am nobody’s anything. I’m nothing.
